Communicate With Confidence!®: Booher Banter

The World's Biggest Blog Party Continues

In case you STILL haven’t heard or seen articles in the media, bloggers all over the world are throwing a big party between October 24th and November 17th.  Party-going bloggers are blogging about a person, charity, philanthropy, or event that’s making the world a better place.

So welcome to the party—again.  Today, I’m celebrating those working behind the scenes in nursing facilities and hospitals to brighten the days of residents and patients who seldom see family and must face day after day often sick and alone. 

Last week, I blogged about the passing of my brother after a long struggle with cancer.  The day after his memorial service, to celebrate his life well lived, his wife, his two children, our parents, and my sister and I delivered more than 200 roses (donated by friends) to nursing home residents.  Where did we get the idea?  From my brother.  As an avid gardener with a green thumb, he frequently delivered roses from his garden to people in the local hospitals and nursing homes. 

As we followed in his footsteps to deliver the roses, the nurses and attendants looked on longingly; we couldn’t pass them up.  As we chatted and helped them lift a fallen man from the floor, soothe an upset woman confused about which was her room, patiently explain to another why no daughter was coming to visit, it was apparent how understaffed, overworked, and emotionally drained they felt. 

As we handed roses to them as well as the patients, one aide began to weep, “This is only the second time in my life I ever got flowers—at my wedding and today.” 

Most of us cringe at the thought of spending our last days in such places, lonely, sick.  Those who care for these people and bring sunshine into their lives by a smile, an encouraging word, a patient attitude, or a caring touch every day they come to work truly make a difference for a day or a decade.

Join the Biggest Blog Party: A Defining Moment

In case you haven’t heard or seen articles in the media, bloggers all over the world are throwing a big party between October 24th and November 17th.  No, not dancing in the street, protesting with placards, or even food and drink.  Party-going bloggers will blog about a charity, philanthropy, or event that’s making the world a better place.

So welcome to the party—again.  Today, I’m celebrating one of my favorite charities, A Defining Moment, in several parts of the world:  India, Cuba, Kenya, China, and here in the USA.   LifeWay Christian Resources sponsors this project. (Yes, you see their bookstores in malls across the country—LifeWay Christian Bookstores.  They absorb all the administrative costs, so ALL, right, ALL, donated funds go directly to the projects described below.)

This is not one of those once-established, forever ongoing nonprofits.  It has a vision, a goal, and a limited lifetime:  to raise $ 29 million in the next 5 years.  They are well on their way. 

Here’s an overview of three of their seven key projects that we’re personally committed to:

True Love Waits International:  This project has goals to target six sub-Saharan African countries per year for a total of 30 countries in five years.  Bigger goal:  Reduce AIDS by 15 percent in each country and train at least five national teams in each country.  What’s the track record here?  In l987, Uganda had the highest rate of AIDS among African nations. Since then, Uganda has lowered its HIV/AIDS rate from more than 30 percent to approximately six percent of the country’s 25 million people.  The government has taken notice of this dramatic drop and is bringing the program into the schools to teach abstinence. Watching Uganda’s AIDS rate drop so dramatically, other countries have asked for teams to come into their country to conduct the programs in the schools.

Chinese Bible Translation:  There are 20-70 million Christians living in China today. Yet no translation of the Bible has found broad acceptance with the Chinese Christian community—only 47 percent of the words have been translated accurately.  The goal here is to have the Bible translated in Mandarin by 2010.  The translation team is working 24X7 to finish by the 2008 Olympics.

Leadership Institute:  Specific goals for the institute are to train the staff and leadership in 5,000 churches in the practical management, business, and personal life skills to become successful at leading their members to lead successful lives based on sound biblical teachings.  Typically, such leaders can’t afford to attend to attend regular conferences offered in the business world.  That training and those practical skills such as communication, conflict resolution, and financial responsibility will make them better role models and serve as the basis for their counseling those people they lead.

For more information on The Defining Moment, contact Mike Arrington at LifeWay Christian Resources. www.adefiningmoment.net/ www.lifeway.com  (615)251-2000

What to Say in Response to Someone’s Loss

My brother went home to be with his heavenly Father last week after a long struggle with cancer.   We are a very close family, and the loss feels insurmountable at the moment.

But as I plow through the sadness and return to work this week, refocusing on communication issues, I’m reminded of a great truth in a time of sorrow:  Expressions of concern never need to be eloquent; they just need to be genuine.

Genuineness is what I heard plenty of this past week in my brother and sister-in-law’s small town of  Sulphur Springs—from friends, family, neighbors, church members, those they had served in the community.   

When I received the news about my brother while on the road, several strangers in my speaking audience came up to me at the end of the session to say, “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.  Is there anything I can do to help you get to the airport faster?”  The pained expression on their face spoke volumes.

During the weekend of the memorial, there were those who recounted memories of wonderful things my brother, Keith, had done for them.  Those who offered to run errands. Those who planted pansies in the flowerbeds without evening asking. Those who brought food.  Those who visited.  Those who hugged.  Those who just wept with us. Those who sent cards, flowers, and donations (to the Parkinson’s Foundation, in honor of his wife, affected by the disease).  Those who wrote eloquent memorials.

All such expressions reminded me of one thing in times of difficulty or tragedy of any kind:  Sincerity speaks louder than any specific words ever could.   When the “right” words won’t come, never let that keep you from communicating compassion in any form to those in need of your love and concern.

Maximize Their Motivation

I’m wrapping up my 30-tip series on “Opening Closed Minds,” a topic that was prompted by Tariq Zohair’s question, “How can we open closed minds—people who do not want to listen to any arguments or logic?” 

Lower others' guard with graciousness. 
Alcoholics Anonymous and hundreds of other self-help groups can verify this truth:  You cannot motivate people from the outside; their motivation has to be internal.  People are more motivated to believe you, help you, or at least get out of your way if they like you.  Avoid an adversarial relationship.  Be gracious.

Provide opportunity for a trial-run. 
Cereal companies don't make us spend $4.89 on a box of new flakes, nuts, and fruit.  Instead, they send us a bowl in the mail to taste before we have to plunk down our money.  Create ways for people to give your idea a low-risk trial before making an irreversible commitment of time, money, or reputation.  The lower the risk, the more likely they'll take a step in your direction.  Never be afraid of their asking, "What have I got to lose if I go along?"

Note the difference between selling an idea and motivating people to act. 
In "selling" something—an idea, a product, an action—the focus is on the seller's efforts and success.  What's in it for the other person.  In "motivating," the focus is on the other person's attitude and benefit:  What's in it for them.  The subtle difference implies different methods, language, timing, and attitude.

If you’ve missed any of tips 1-27, you can find them in our archived blogs, or if you have a question of your own, write me at askdianna@booher.com. Good luck with getting through to your own “tough crowd.”

Resist the Temptation to Push Back

“How can we open closed minds—people who do not want to listen to any arguments or logic?”  Today I’m sharing Tip #27 in this series—on how to get through to people who are difficult to reason with:

Opposition spawns opposition.  If you don't believe it, ask a partner to stand face to face with you and align yourselves open palm to open palm.  Push gently. You'll notice how the partner pushes back.  Push harder.  You'll notice the partner increase pressure as you do.

The same principle is at work in persuasion.  The harder you push, the harder someone pushes back.  So, to neutralize an emotional exchange, as soon as you feel the other side become agitated, let up the pressure.  You can even come around to the other side of the table.  "Okay, let me stop here and summarize where we are.  If I understand you clearly, you think the decision is a bad one for three reasons.  First, the X won't work. . . ."  Once you stand on the other person's side of the table and take up his or her side, that person becomes neutral again.  The pushing stops.  You may even want to ask the other side to summarize your key points "for clarity’s sake."

The idea is to neutralize the emotional conflict long enough for logic to take its course—should logic be on your side.

Conserve Your Credibility by Checking for Rickety Reasoning

“How can we open closed minds—people who do not want to listen to any arguments or logic?”  This question came into my in-box at askdianna@booher.com from one of our readers in Pakistan. This week I’m sharing Tip #26 (only two more to go) on how to get through to people difficult to reason with.

Make sure your own reasoning follows logic, and then check for errors in the other person's logic.  Here are the most common reasoning faults: 

Force-fitting an analogy
Someone uses an analogy to explain how two things are alike—and then they get carried away.  "A maintenance agreement on your copier is like an insurance policy on your automobile."  Yes, there are similarities that would help someone understand the idea of a prepaid maintenance agreement, but it doesn't follow that the two arrangements are alike in all ways.  Insisting that they are to make a point is faulty reasoning.

Generalizing from a single case
The sales manager in Tupelo feels uninformed by headquarters about the introduction of new products and ad campaigns; therefore, the manager reasons that all sales managers feel uninformed on important new developments.

Focusing on all or nothing
This reasoning insists on considering all ideas as a package deal.  We have to accept all of it or none of it.  This product will meet all our needs or none of our needs.  We have to reward everyone for perfect attendance or no one for perfect attendance. 

Stating rather than proving
"That manager has been delinquent in dealing with safety issues."  Where's the proof?  What specific incidents have gone unresolved?  "Ferdinand has no ambition to move up in the company."  What specifics support this conclusion?  Calling a process "primitive" or equipment "state-of-the-art" doesn't make it so. 

Confusing sequence with cause and effect
A demanding controller joins the company August 1 as head of Max's department.  Max resigns on August 31; therefore, Max left because he had difficulty working with the new controller.  As in this case, chronology may have little or nothing to do with result. 

Check for these gaps in logic before someone points them out to you in front of a group and douses your credibility.

Communication Quandary Series: Opening Closed Minds

“How can we open closed minds—people who do not want to listen to any arguments or logic?”  This question came into my in-box at askdianna@booher.com from one of our readers in Pakistan. This week I’m sharing Tip #25 in this series on how to get through to people who are difficult to reason with.

25)  Ask for the reasoning behind someone's counter claim. 

Don't argue against the wind.  Let's suppose you present a plan for providing computer maintenance service to a customer who says, "It's too expensive."   You respond, "Not really, when you consider the X feature."  The customer listens and then responds, "But it is much more than we wanted to pay."  And you say, "Well, that may be true, but . . ." 

You get the picture—arguing over a vague assumption.  What does the customer mean by expensive?  What is his or her reasoning?  How did the customer decide what should be a reasonable price?  When you get the answers to those questions, you'll have something specific to work with.  If the comment "too expensive" is based on the amount of the customer’s budget, you'll know to spend your time figuring out how to help the person finance the service with that budget.  If the comment is based on a comparison of your price to that of competitors, then you'll spend your time telling how your service differs from theirs.

Take another example:  A boss says, "We can't change that policy because people would get angry."  You can't deal with that unless you know the boss's reasoning—why he or she thinks people will get angry. 

Of course, be sure to ask for the other person's reasoning in a nondirective, nonchallenging way:  "The way we set our price is to determine X, then Y, and then add 10 percent for Z.  How did you set your budget figure for this service?  Let's see if we're on the same wavelength, or if we're comparing apples to oranges here."

To argue without knowing the basis of assumptions is a shot in the dark.

The Voice of Authority on FamilyNet Radio

This morning Lorri Allen and Scott Miller, hosts of the radio show "Mornings with Lorri & Friends," interviewed me on communication issues in the workplace. The whole 13-minute segment was filled with listeners across the country calling in with many of the same problems you may be experiencing today:

·    You feel like you’re working in the dark because you don’t have complete information.

·    You listen with compassion, but don’t know how to get people to open up.

·    You reluctantly micro-manage to avoid mistakes and rework caused by a communication gap.

All of these issues surface repeatedly, regardless of the type of organization or business.

If these sound like issues you’re facing, click here to listen to the podcast of my responses based on The Voice of Authority.

And by the way, if you’re a SIRIUS satellite radio subscriber, you may want to make a habit of tuning in to catch Lorri and Scott’s morning show—that is, if you roll out of bed at the crack of dawn. They’ll give you serious news with a positive worldview.  Find them on weekdays, at channel 161 from 6:00 to 7:00 a.m. Central Standard Time.

Communication Quandary Series: Opening Closed Minds

Tariq Zohair, from Karachi, Pakistan, reached me at askdianna@booher.com and asked this question: “How can we open closed minds—people who do not want to listen to any arguments or logic?” I’ve been spending several blogs tackling this problem since there are so many ways to deal with people who are difficult to reason with. (For Tips 1-23, check out past blogs.)

24)  Investigate the standard causes of resistance. 

If you're having difficulty getting people to accept your point, take time to investigate their points.  Your willingness to investigate and listen goes a long way in demonstrating your integrity and intelligence.

People resist change because it creates uncertainty.  Maybe your idea will work and maybe it won't.  What if the group invests time and money in the new plan and the old one turns out to be better?  That fence-setting period of indecision creates discomfort. 

A second reason for resistance is the not-invented-here insecurity:  Why did someone else, rather than I, think of that idea?  This is my department; why are you trying to tell me how to run it?  What's mine is mine.   This insecurity is especially at play if the person with the new idea has less experience or time on the job. 

Then there's competitiveness.  In some situations, if your idea wins, mine loses. 

Fourth, there are personality issues:  I don't like you; therefore, I don't like your ideas or I'm a negative person—I don't like anything or anybody.  Only after you hear the unspoken concerns and then identify their causes can you set about minimizing resistance.